Now I'm a Believer

Tomorrow is the 2 year anniversary of a life altering decision made in my life. I'd tell you what it was, but I feel the point of this entry would lose impact. ha. I suppose the fact is that everyone's individuals "lives" are altered by an array of vastly different things...and only those directly involved understand the sheer voluminous potential for change these 'things' have.

Anyway, I was writing and playing today and ended up in the journal from August 3, 2007...which sent me down memory lane and back to the very scene of the decision. I could smell the smell of the apartment, hear the latch on the door, feel the carpet of the room I was in...as I closed my eyes, I could see the sunlight through the patio doors and the black, terrible excuse for a futon upon which I was sitting...and my heart got heavy...my chest tightened...and for a brief second as I felt my entire body tense up and put itself back into that moment and time, I wondered if this were something like what my grandfather experienced when he would remember things from his time in Vietnam. Now I do not mean to be all over dramatic...my life altering experience was not nearly as catastrophic as the Vietnam War. Come on now! I'm just saying, my whole body changed as I remembered this time, and my heart was racing. It was hard to breathe...I suppose because I remembered the pain and the utter shock and confusion. Confusion!

I guess the good part of the memory was that I recall it as a time in my love story with my God. Even at that moment when all the facts of my life left me a lone and confused and scared and ...all the negative words, I KNEW my God was with me...completely near me and completely in control. I didn't know WHAT He'd do, but I knew He'd do something.

And I must say, it is so very amazingly 'cool' (for lack of a better word) to look back and see how He provided so many things. There has been no 100% healing of the wounds that cut so deeply then, but I doubt there will be 100% healing this side of paradise, and I'm ok living with pain and struggle. It gives me good fuel for song writing at least :). But the overarching theme of redemption is so vividly present in my own experience with Jesus that I hope I never live so comfortably that I am at a loss for time to sit and muddle through old memories or have to depend so desperately upon God. I really hope I'm never comfortable or complacent. I believe God may be giving me the same type of heart he has given other missionaries. It was CT Studd who said: "Some want to live within the sound of church or chapel bell; I want to run a rescue shop within a yard of hell." ...and honestly, that is a calling that wells up deep inside me.

Chinatown, NY isn't 'hell,' but it certainly is not the type of 'church and chapel bell' for which this 'southern belle' was born and bred...haha, and I'm good with that, although I'm sure Chinatown, NY is only one stop upon this path toward Jesus.

But I suppose to tie together my ramblings and my thought processes....what I wanted to share is this: On this anniversary of a huge decision that hurt a lot...and on this anniversary of seeing a lot of scary facts...I can now look into the faces of Chinese youth here in the inner city and see the face of Jesus and His sovereign plan. And even though I still feel inadequate, I take comfort knowing that if it weren't for the pain of going through the life changing decision, and the pain of going through the months and years leading up to it and after it, I would have NOTHING from which to draw in terms of real, true, sincere, honest belief in Jesus ....and therefore, I would have NOTHING to share with these kids....because in the words of my mentor, Lita, 'people in the inner city are not looking for someone who just knows about Jesus and the Gospel, they are looking for someone who has EXPERIENCED it and BELIEVES it.' She used to tell me that I had to believe beyond a shadow of a doubt...that there could be no doubt left in me... in order for city folk to take a me as a minister seriously....well, 2 years into city ministry, I can say she WAS right. Praise God who made a believer out of me...little ole melodramatic me...