In a Matter of Seconds....In a Matter of Years
I had this thought tonight...it all took place, the thought that is, in a matter of seconds... amazing what can pass through our minds in a second...here it is...
my thought- a thought of amazement that God doesn't reach down and immediately silence us or destroy us or at least stop us in the midst of our stupidity.' I guess, more accurately, the thought would concern simply myself and perhaps people directly involved in the time of my life upon which I was reflecting. Wow...so clearly now I see that what moved me, what fueled me and ignited me, and what concerned me was completely and totally....myself.
Perhaps I dressed up my selfishness and pride and conceit and self-interest and self-absorption and all the other 'self' words in some pretty clothing...even some missionary-type clothing, but my goodness, the perspective of 2 years and lots of pain can reveal the truth. Please don't think I am coming down hard upon myself either. I am coming down, if anything, lightly upon myself.
So, my first thought was 'why did God allow me to go on sooo long that way- so oblivious...hurting people...but more importantly NOT doing what I should have been doing- not obeying the Lord and not putting Him first. Why in the WORLD didn't He silence me and hault me...???
And then I realized, He did. He did silence me. He did halt me. The whole process took months... months of preparation, months of fear and heartache....lots of brokenness, lots of moments where I halfway surrendered, lots of moments where I tried to surrender, lots of moments where I wanted to surrender, one gigantic moment when I did surrender, and lots of resurrendering after that.... I look at a picture of a girl in May....and am lost for words at knowing now what was going to happen in June...what she knew nothing of....and oh if she had known, she (me...I) couldn't have handled it. I wish I had the vocabulary to understand, but perhaps those of you who have experienced what I describe know these hidden vocabulary words....maybe you, like me, have them stored away deep in the inner most part of your heart and soul and mind ... in your emotions, but you, like me, don't know how to put them into words.
So, God did silence me. He did capture me. He did hedge me in and get my attention...and He did allure me...through deserts and valleys. I was fed on streams and bitter water and somehow fell in love with it...with Him. And I am still silenced when I remember this all- my whole life, my whole testimony, my whole love story with a Savior...all in a matter of seconds, it flashes before my mind, and I am silenced. I lose my breath and think 'if people only knew! If they only knew what was in me and what God changed and how He did it and what He did and just how lost I was and just how merciful He is and just what all He took upon Himself and...oh redemption..." ... and so on... then surely, surely they would see Him and believe Him.
But maybe not....because Jesus Himself said that even if a man rose from the dead, we wouldn't necessarily believe, and He was right.
And finally I thought: wow...I am amazed that he didn't reach down a few years back and just shut me up...but what about now? I am nowhere near perfection...and who is to say that 2 years from now or 1 year from now or 10 years from now or tomorrow I won't look at this day and think 'wow God...why didn't you just show me how ridiculous and lost I was??!' And maybe I will... but if I do, I know at least that I will then realize once again and with complete newness the way in which God did grab hold of me and shake me free from my chains of flesh and all the 'not yet' into more glorious revelation of the 'already.'
So, today I'm different. I'm different than I was in those pictures I looked at. I'm more free... so much more free... and hopefully a little wiser, but...I'm still stained with sin- I'm just a little more aware of my sin now. What is the same is the grace of God that covers that sin- the same grace that covered the sins of the younger Megin in the picture, covers the sins of 25 year old Megin sitting on the couch next to her dog. The same grace that met me and saved me when I was enslaved to obvious sins of the flesh meets me as I struggle with self-righteousness. It takes God no more mercy and justice to look upon me then than it does for Him to look upon me now... and no LESS mercy and justice either. Christ paid the penalty once and for all...
There is nothing that brings me to complete silence and complete contemplation outside of the work of Jesus Christ and the sovereignty of God. I don't know what God is doing...I don't know that I will always be comfortable and safe and happy by the standards of the world and our programmed belief systems, but one thing is for sure, I trust Jesus with all my heart. I mean, He could have put an end to me long ago...He could have silenced me with one touch and done away with me....or what's worse....He could have simply left me to live the life I was living so obliviously....the life I lived before I knew Him...
But He didn't.... because of that, I can trust.
If today is all there is Lord, here's my life - I gladly give
where'er you take; where'er you lead; it is Your life that I live.
If today is just a first step- into a world of sun and rest
where'er you take; where'er you lead; help me know that I am blessed.
And if today is rather the first step toward years of pain and agony,
where'er you take; where'er you lead; I'll be crucified with thee...
and if today feels just right Lord, and if today is just too hard,
my God I'm blessed beyond these words that I know who You are...
my thought- a thought of amazement that God doesn't reach down and immediately silence us or destroy us or at least stop us in the midst of our stupidity.' I guess, more accurately, the thought would concern simply myself and perhaps people directly involved in the time of my life upon which I was reflecting. Wow...so clearly now I see that what moved me, what fueled me and ignited me, and what concerned me was completely and totally....myself.
Perhaps I dressed up my selfishness and pride and conceit and self-interest and self-absorption and all the other 'self' words in some pretty clothing...even some missionary-type clothing, but my goodness, the perspective of 2 years and lots of pain can reveal the truth. Please don't think I am coming down hard upon myself either. I am coming down, if anything, lightly upon myself.
So, my first thought was 'why did God allow me to go on sooo long that way- so oblivious...hurting people...but more importantly NOT doing what I should have been doing- not obeying the Lord and not putting Him first. Why in the WORLD didn't He silence me and hault me...???
And then I realized, He did. He did silence me. He did halt me. The whole process took months... months of preparation, months of fear and heartache....lots of brokenness, lots of moments where I halfway surrendered, lots of moments where I tried to surrender, lots of moments where I wanted to surrender, one gigantic moment when I did surrender, and lots of resurrendering after that.... I look at a picture of a girl in May....and am lost for words at knowing now what was going to happen in June...what she knew nothing of....and oh if she had known, she (me...I) couldn't have handled it. I wish I had the vocabulary to understand, but perhaps those of you who have experienced what I describe know these hidden vocabulary words....maybe you, like me, have them stored away deep in the inner most part of your heart and soul and mind ... in your emotions, but you, like me, don't know how to put them into words.
So, God did silence me. He did capture me. He did hedge me in and get my attention...and He did allure me...through deserts and valleys. I was fed on streams and bitter water and somehow fell in love with it...with Him. And I am still silenced when I remember this all- my whole life, my whole testimony, my whole love story with a Savior...all in a matter of seconds, it flashes before my mind, and I am silenced. I lose my breath and think 'if people only knew! If they only knew what was in me and what God changed and how He did it and what He did and just how lost I was and just how merciful He is and just what all He took upon Himself and...oh redemption..." ... and so on... then surely, surely they would see Him and believe Him.
But maybe not....because Jesus Himself said that even if a man rose from the dead, we wouldn't necessarily believe, and He was right.
And finally I thought: wow...I am amazed that he didn't reach down a few years back and just shut me up...but what about now? I am nowhere near perfection...and who is to say that 2 years from now or 1 year from now or 10 years from now or tomorrow I won't look at this day and think 'wow God...why didn't you just show me how ridiculous and lost I was??!' And maybe I will... but if I do, I know at least that I will then realize once again and with complete newness the way in which God did grab hold of me and shake me free from my chains of flesh and all the 'not yet' into more glorious revelation of the 'already.'
So, today I'm different. I'm different than I was in those pictures I looked at. I'm more free... so much more free... and hopefully a little wiser, but...I'm still stained with sin- I'm just a little more aware of my sin now. What is the same is the grace of God that covers that sin- the same grace that covered the sins of the younger Megin in the picture, covers the sins of 25 year old Megin sitting on the couch next to her dog. The same grace that met me and saved me when I was enslaved to obvious sins of the flesh meets me as I struggle with self-righteousness. It takes God no more mercy and justice to look upon me then than it does for Him to look upon me now... and no LESS mercy and justice either. Christ paid the penalty once and for all...
There is nothing that brings me to complete silence and complete contemplation outside of the work of Jesus Christ and the sovereignty of God. I don't know what God is doing...I don't know that I will always be comfortable and safe and happy by the standards of the world and our programmed belief systems, but one thing is for sure, I trust Jesus with all my heart. I mean, He could have put an end to me long ago...He could have silenced me with one touch and done away with me....or what's worse....He could have simply left me to live the life I was living so obliviously....the life I lived before I knew Him...
But He didn't.... because of that, I can trust.
If today is all there is Lord, here's my life - I gladly give
where'er you take; where'er you lead; it is Your life that I live.
If today is just a first step- into a world of sun and rest
where'er you take; where'er you lead; help me know that I am blessed.
And if today is rather the first step toward years of pain and agony,
where'er you take; where'er you lead; I'll be crucified with thee...
and if today feels just right Lord, and if today is just too hard,
my God I'm blessed beyond these words that I know who You are...
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