Catching Up. Entry 2.

August 24, 2017

Faith is not always raising hands in praise. Faith is not always being able to command depression away in the name of Jesus. Faith is many times accepting the depression without doubting that God is still right there, somehow, even though I can't see Him. If faith were only ''seeing" God, I can't imagine that would really be much faith at all. If faith were being able to push away all despair like a magic trick, I can't imagine that would faith. That would be more like some type of manipulation of my own emotions that I could control just by calling on Jesus name... and honestly, that sounds much easier than what I am experiencing right now. And from what I know... faith isn't supposed to JUST be easy. So the following is where I am at today. Once again, I am not really looking for responses or for anyone to offer insight to 'fix' my problems. I just feel that I should share this journey, normalize grief, and by sharing my journey, perhaps God will be glorified... even if what I am sharing is not that life is perking up with roses at each turn....

I am angry. I am angry and frustrated with God. I know that's okay. Job was angry. The disciples got frustrated with Jesus. And better I am honest about what I am angry about than to be angry and just take it out on people. 

I know life is not about what we do but about who we become, how we are shaped. I know that to be true. But right now, I don't care to be shaped by THIS. I don't care to go through the period of confusion and agony. And I know that the Christian life is not about the work I do but about the relationship I have with God, with Jesus, and the atmosphere produced by that relationship. So I force myself daily into His word and into being honest with Him through prayer. And every moment that I do not 'feel' His presence or 'answers,' I am frustrated. But I press on. My only other choice is to give up on God and settle for answers I create on my own. I've done that before, and ultimately, I am left empty and exhausted from trying to maintain and control the uncontrollable, that is life and what happens around me and to me and to those I love. 

I'm overcome with the reality that what goes on in this world, what has just happened to me, is NOT the way it is supposed to be. I remember reading a book in seminary called The Breviary of Sin: Not the way It is Supposed to Be. In these types of times, it is so true. I wasn't supposed to be wearing a hospital gown yesterday having my baby that only grew to be 7 weeks taken from me. I wasn't supposed to be holding the blue and white folders that talked about options for handling the remains of one's infant when he or she had been lost. I wasn't supposed to be understanding more deeply the reality of what so many people who have gone before me have had to understand and feel. I don't mean this was a 'mistake,' and God was momentarily not sovereign. I mean that THIS is not the world He created. THIS is a fallen world. 

So I wrestle with God, like Jacob by the river. I can't give in. I know that means when the wrestling is over, I will be more maimed, but I have to wrestle because I have to see God, and on a day like today and yesterday... I cannot yet see Him. I can only rely on what I know in my head, and the memories I have in my heart from when I have seen Him in the past during suffering and during joy. And I can only comfort myself by reminding myself that there were plenty of days then when I didn't see Him and had to wait and press on. We are never taken up into conscious agreement with God's purpose. We are taken up into God's purpose without any consciousness at all. God's aim often looks like it is missing the mark. He doesn't ask our permission for what He does in our lives or the lives of others. He is the author of life. An author does not ask permission from His characters. But an author does care deeply about His characters with the deepest empathy possible. I do not have the eyes of God. And right now, I feel like I am crying out without comfort. My knowledge tells me God is holding me. So this must be like when I am holding Eli yet he continues to cry in pain or fear and does not ''feel'' my comfort. Yet I am still there with him. 

I am overwhelmed when I think about daily tasks, when I think about work and how it is piling up and how I have no strength or mental capacity to even think about it. I tell this to God. I tell Him I don't have the answers. I have to trust He will provide. I have no other option. Anxiety arises in my heart about how I will catch up. I keep saying, "my God, I cast my cares on you!"

In the end, I become tempted to think, "Megin, this is not faith! You are not exhibiting faith with all this that you explain you feel. You are only exhibiting doubt!!" But then I call that out as a lie... because it can't be true. If I didn't have faith, I wouldn't be telling all this to God and waiting still. If I didn't have faith, I would figure out answers for myself and ways to numb the pain. If I didn't have faith, I would figure out some 'reason' and 'purpose' for this to assuage my pain. This is my faith right now. This is what my faith looks like, being broken, anxious, tired, feeling alone, feeling angry, and telling it all to God. It doesn't look like hands raised, praising hallelujah. It looks like sitting in tears and waiting in the mess, and saying "I won't leave, but God this hurts." I hope that this will be a testimony to those around me that when they go through pain and struggle, they do not have to just praise God blindly and FEEL okay. Sometimes faith is feeling miserable, and surrendering to how unfair everything feels. Sometimes faith is just being weak and broken and angry, and telling that to God. Sometimes faith is crying in Gethsemane, and sweating tears of blood. Sometimes faith is crying "Father, why have you forsaken me?" And then waiting there... and then getting up and doing the very nearest thing, even when it is small and seems like it accomplishes nothing, like just showering and sending out an email about where one is at. That is what my faith is today.