Let's Be Honest: Wound Healing 2
I made a commitment to fill up my wounds with God's word, like Dr. Ferris reminded us, lest Satan's demons come back with friends and fill up the empty space. So"Let's Be Honest: Wound Healing" will track the filling up of my wounds. And I suppose it will keep me accountable. I guess I won't always have time to post, but I've got around 12 wounds, so if I stop posting way before I hit 12.....or if I stop posting for a long period, ask me if I'm still 'wound healing,' Ok? I give you permission. I want to make sure I do.
Wound: Desiring a Family of Peace and Love- Just recently this hit home in a big way (even before the retreat). When I was in Georgia in April and running one day on the Pass (the street where I used to live), a song came on my pandora on my droid: "My Little Girl" by Tim McGraw. I found myself bawling and praying out loud through childhood hurts- it was crazy....but crazy good. I was hyperventilating in the Georgia heat, running up and down hills after 6 miles already, and sobbing my eyes out and praying out loud. But it was enlightening. I realized so much I had stuffed down and forgotten. I didn't know it was there. It was like healing of memory...except it wasn't healed...it was just that I finally REMEMBERED the pain and the wound that had been suppressed.
So this wound left me with sadness, pure sadness- realizing it brought sadness, but actually even when I DIDN'T realize the wound, I was sad. 28 years of sadness had been building. I had found one root of my deep dark depression that I'd struggled with since my early teens. I had sorrow at not having that love God meant for children, people, to have. I had anger at my mother for telling me terrible things about my dad. I had anger at my dad or how he treated my sister and mom compared to how he treated me. I had anger that in order for their to be peace, I felt I was a pawn that had to fix things and be certain ways to certain people. I had anger that I had to push my dad away in order to feel like I was on the same team as my sister and mom. I had anger at dad that he made an atmosphere that put mom and my sister at odds with him. The only person I didn't have anger at was my brother actually...because as I realized this wound and truth, I had lots of anger at my sister as well even though I realize she was a victim and a child without proper understanding...just like me.
So, a product of this wound left me fixated on creating a peaceful family- my whole life, from early childhood, I was fixed, to an obsessive degree, and I worked so hard at many things thinking that would make a peaceful, loving family. I feared I must be perfect in all areas in order to achieve this family. I tried to make everyone be nice and healthy, taking it all on myself, and I failed miserably...and no one even understood this was what I was TRYING to do. What's more, I got critique and criticism and abuse from the family I was killing myself to save, so I hated myself. I hated my family. I wondered why God didn't answer my prayer. I sank into deeper and deeper depression for years and years...and years.
So, the healing of the wound that comes after the grieving and the forgiveness: Ephesians 3 tells us that God names every family of the earth. He is the sovereign creator and designer of each of these families- He is the end of them- where the members find their identity because HE named them. He did not MAKE my family dysfunctional. Sin did that, but He is the sovereign creator of my family.
Ephesians 3:20- Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than ALL we ASK or THINK according to (by) the power at work within us....
God can heal my family and heal me more than I ask or think....and how? He does it by the power at work within me.
So I wanted a family, peace, a father, to be daddy's girl, a secure love, a strong bulwark never failing. God named my family of the earth and he can do MORE than I have asked. I sought healing through boys, friends, beauty, popularity, perfection, being kind and holy, trying to change the members of my family, trying to change me, but I couldn't control others. And they acted NOT based on my merit. My goodness and merit COULD NOT and CANNOT control or change or heal my family's attitudes or affections or maturity.
As a kid, I had to endure what no boy or popularity or perfection or holiness or goodness of myself could change. I was in a constantly changing war zone. I couldn't learn it. I couldn't fix it. and... IT WAS NOT MY FAULT.
But God...God lifted me out. He has delivered me. I have his vindication and a chance to start a new and peaceful and godly family with Jesse.
And my first family? Do I still desire it's healing? OF COURSE. And I must pray...because God will vindicate and heal in HIS time. It is NOT over yet. Remember Ephesians 3:20- He is able to do FAR MORE ABUNDANTLY THAN I ASK OR THINK.
If God NAMES the family, He is sovereign over it. I am not responsible for its change, but He is.
Something else that stood out is that God HATES my pain. He doesn't just want it, and he doesn't necessarily give it. There is an ENEMY OF SOULS and ENEMY OF GOD at work in the world. But, God loves my family so much and me so much and hates my pain and Satan so much that he doesn't let the pain have the last word. Instead, He uses it for the SALVATION OF MANY. He gets the LAST WORD. Amen.
TO HIM WHO IS ABLE TO DO FAR MORE ABUNDANTLY THAN ALL WE ASK OR THINK, ACCORDING TO THE POWER AT WORK WITHIN US (THE HOLY SPIRIT), TO HIM BE ALL GLORY IN THE CHURCH AND IN CHRIST JESUS THROUGHOUT ALL GENERATIONS, FOREVER AND EVER, AMEN.
Wound: Desiring a Family of Peace and Love- Just recently this hit home in a big way (even before the retreat). When I was in Georgia in April and running one day on the Pass (the street where I used to live), a song came on my pandora on my droid: "My Little Girl" by Tim McGraw. I found myself bawling and praying out loud through childhood hurts- it was crazy....but crazy good. I was hyperventilating in the Georgia heat, running up and down hills after 6 miles already, and sobbing my eyes out and praying out loud. But it was enlightening. I realized so much I had stuffed down and forgotten. I didn't know it was there. It was like healing of memory...except it wasn't healed...it was just that I finally REMEMBERED the pain and the wound that had been suppressed.
So this wound left me with sadness, pure sadness- realizing it brought sadness, but actually even when I DIDN'T realize the wound, I was sad. 28 years of sadness had been building. I had found one root of my deep dark depression that I'd struggled with since my early teens. I had sorrow at not having that love God meant for children, people, to have. I had anger at my mother for telling me terrible things about my dad. I had anger at my dad or how he treated my sister and mom compared to how he treated me. I had anger that in order for their to be peace, I felt I was a pawn that had to fix things and be certain ways to certain people. I had anger that I had to push my dad away in order to feel like I was on the same team as my sister and mom. I had anger at dad that he made an atmosphere that put mom and my sister at odds with him. The only person I didn't have anger at was my brother actually...because as I realized this wound and truth, I had lots of anger at my sister as well even though I realize she was a victim and a child without proper understanding...just like me.
So, a product of this wound left me fixated on creating a peaceful family- my whole life, from early childhood, I was fixed, to an obsessive degree, and I worked so hard at many things thinking that would make a peaceful, loving family. I feared I must be perfect in all areas in order to achieve this family. I tried to make everyone be nice and healthy, taking it all on myself, and I failed miserably...and no one even understood this was what I was TRYING to do. What's more, I got critique and criticism and abuse from the family I was killing myself to save, so I hated myself. I hated my family. I wondered why God didn't answer my prayer. I sank into deeper and deeper depression for years and years...and years.
So, the healing of the wound that comes after the grieving and the forgiveness: Ephesians 3 tells us that God names every family of the earth. He is the sovereign creator and designer of each of these families- He is the end of them- where the members find their identity because HE named them. He did not MAKE my family dysfunctional. Sin did that, but He is the sovereign creator of my family.
Ephesians 3:20- Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than ALL we ASK or THINK according to (by) the power at work within us....
God can heal my family and heal me more than I ask or think....and how? He does it by the power at work within me.
So I wanted a family, peace, a father, to be daddy's girl, a secure love, a strong bulwark never failing. God named my family of the earth and he can do MORE than I have asked. I sought healing through boys, friends, beauty, popularity, perfection, being kind and holy, trying to change the members of my family, trying to change me, but I couldn't control others. And they acted NOT based on my merit. My goodness and merit COULD NOT and CANNOT control or change or heal my family's attitudes or affections or maturity.
As a kid, I had to endure what no boy or popularity or perfection or holiness or goodness of myself could change. I was in a constantly changing war zone. I couldn't learn it. I couldn't fix it. and... IT WAS NOT MY FAULT.
But God...God lifted me out. He has delivered me. I have his vindication and a chance to start a new and peaceful and godly family with Jesse.
And my first family? Do I still desire it's healing? OF COURSE. And I must pray...because God will vindicate and heal in HIS time. It is NOT over yet. Remember Ephesians 3:20- He is able to do FAR MORE ABUNDANTLY THAN I ASK OR THINK.
If God NAMES the family, He is sovereign over it. I am not responsible for its change, but He is.
Something else that stood out is that God HATES my pain. He doesn't just want it, and he doesn't necessarily give it. There is an ENEMY OF SOULS and ENEMY OF GOD at work in the world. But, God loves my family so much and me so much and hates my pain and Satan so much that he doesn't let the pain have the last word. Instead, He uses it for the SALVATION OF MANY. He gets the LAST WORD. Amen.
TO HIM WHO IS ABLE TO DO FAR MORE ABUNDANTLY THAN ALL WE ASK OR THINK, ACCORDING TO THE POWER AT WORK WITHIN US (THE HOLY SPIRIT), TO HIM BE ALL GLORY IN THE CHURCH AND IN CHRIST JESUS THROUGHOUT ALL GENERATIONS, FOREVER AND EVER, AMEN.
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